


DATA LOSS - A Toby and Freddie Hamilton Story

by tobadillyboy



Category: The Halcyon (TV)
Genre: Brothers, London, M/M, The Blitz, Twins, Wartime, World War II
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-22
Updated: 2018-09-22
Packaged: 2019-07-15 14:33:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16065137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tobadillyboy/pseuds/tobadillyboy
Summary: Inside the Mind of Toby Hamilton. His brother Freddie has something to tell him about, but what can it be? As they're about to host an inaugural dinner for the re-opening of their hotel, there seems to be a lot of things that the Hamilton brothers need to get off their chests...





	DATA LOSS - A Toby and Freddie Hamilton Story

**Author's Note:**

> My greatest regret concerning The Halcyon is that we didn't get to see much of the interaction between the twin brothers. There was so much potential there. So this is my interpretation of the Hamilton brothers' dynamic, seen from inside the mind of Socially-Awkward Toby. I had been thinking about this story for quite a while, but then reading Angry Freddie in @Sofy2801 ‘s story Monsoon made me upset and it has pushed me to finish it. No sex scene in this story because of course they’re brothers and this is not Game of Thrones

**Toby's room at the Halcyon. Late afternoon/Early night. Toby is getting ready for a dinner party/cocktail party that is just about to begin downstairs.**  
  
Toby has just finished tying his shoelaces when he hears a knock on the door. He instantly recognises his brother's knock. Very short and courteous, never too loud or too obnoxious. It would never make you start or jump out of your skin. Freddie Hamilton really is the perfectly educated gentleman, and the level-headed army officer with immaculate poise. The complete opposite of Toby.  
  
"Are you decent?" Freddie calls through the door.  
  
Toby smiles. His brother is his twin and the owner of the entire building where they live but he still knocks on his door. Their mother doesn't.  
  
"Come in!"  
  
Freddie enters the room, and closes the door carefully behind him, while Toby starts to button up his waistcoat.  
  
"Sorry to barge in on you like this, but there is something I need to tell you, and I can't wait until after dinner."  
  
Suddenly Toby's brow furrows and he starts worrying. So is that it? Has Freddie figured him out? Is his time with Adil already over? Freddie sounds more excited than chastising, so Toby tries to reason with his mounting anxiety but he knows that once panic mode has ignited it is extremely hard to turn it back down. Freddie waltzes through the room and plonks himself down on the bed. He is looking at Toby with no malice in his eyes that Toby can detect, but in this day and age Toby has learnt that one should always be on their guard. Freddie sighs, and there is an awkward silence between them as he tries to find his words and Toby arranges his shirt collar in the mirror. Finally Freddie starts speaking.  
  
"Look, Toby, I've always...- It would seem...- I have never intended to...-" Freddie stammers. It is very unlike him to be at a loss for words, Toby thinks, and his anxiety is fueled some more. He tries his best to look the most innocent as he can, and he tries to arrange his cuffs, which always seems to be a challenge for him even though his shirts are made bespoke by the best tailors in London. He is the only Hamilton born with arms that can stretch and shrink from one day to the next. He had mentioned this one day to Emma and she said something about "bad posture" but Toby did not think that was related.  
  
"Toby... I suppose what I'm trying to tell you is that... I am sorry." Toby snaps out of his anxiety-fueled reverie. So Freddie has come to apologize for what? Firing his boyfriend? And handing him out to the police? It can't be anything else as Freddie is the type of guy that always does The Right Thing. Surely his brother dating a foreign bartender was going to bring defamation upon his family's name and he had to do something, as the new head of this family. So this is it. Panic mode fully operational.  
  
"I am sorry for everything that you had to go through. I should have been more careful. I should have known how bad you were feeling. I should have... stood up for you."  
  
Toby tries his best not to scream. So he just holds his breath hoping for this conversation to be over as soon as possible. How is he going to cope without his man? The only friend he's ever had? Freddie suddenly sees that Toby is stuck with his shirt arrangements and he stands up again, placing himself behind Toby and starts tugging gently at Toby's shirt in all the right places, and in no time at all Toby goes from scruffy hillbilly to actual member of an aristocratic family going back centuries. A couple inches taller than his twin, Freddie stays admiring his work in the mirror from behind Toby's head. Toby feels his breath on the side of his ear. He is smiling faintly and he looks almost... proud, Toby notices. Toby is about to cry. But Freddie is not done yet.  
  
"I know I should have said something sooner. Now that Father is gone it is rather useless. I should have stood up whenever he said something, but I know I was a coward, and I forgive you if you say you hate me. "  
  
Hang on. Wait. What is he on about. So that's all it is? It's about their father? What a relief. The idiot has just given him the fright of his life. Toby turns around and playfully punches Freddie on the side of his arm.  
  
“Yeah I hate you. You're making me late for dinner.” As if Toby Hamilton was ever on time for anything. Especially a social gathering.  
  
“So you don't hate me?! Are you sure?” Freddie asks, with obvious concern in his voice.  
  
Toby is confused now. So Freddie has disenfranchised himself from anything concerning Toby in the last few years and now he's coming back begging for an apology. These aristocrats really have no shame. Still Toby can't bring himself to hate Freddie. He is too perfect, too grand, too beautiful. His skin is flawless and his teeth are pearly white and straight, he has a blond girlfriend and he smells of expensive aftershave. He’s in the army and is responsible for the lives of hundreds of men. He fights for his country. He never complains and does everything that is expected of him. He is everything that Toby will never be, despite sharing an identical genetic material. He is a respectable member of society. Toby busies himself with the collar of his jacket. Maybe he does hate him a little bit, after all. The realisation hits him like a ton of bricks. The day Freddie finally realises the errors of his ways is the day it dawns on Toby how much he resents him for everything. Toby considers whether he should tell him there and then that he never wants to see him ever again, but just before his rage spits out, he comes to his senses. If they argue today, tomorrow he's going to go off on one of his outings in his stupid plane, and never come back. And what did Toby's feelings weigh compared to the British Empire. So Toby composes himself and conjures up his most hypocritical smile.  
  
“Of course I'm sure! Don't be silly. How can I ever hate you. You're my brother.”  
  
The sarcasm in Toby's voice goes completely over Freddie's head. He seems genuinely relieved.  
  
“Oh my god! I was so worried, you have no idea. I have been so worried lately because…” He takes a deep breath. “…because you don't talk to me… You don't talk to me about… you know… What's happening in your life.” Freddie says gingerly.  
  
Wow. Okay. Hold on. Mission abort. Freddie knows?! About him and Adil! … but doesn't seem to mind?! Toby stops any pretence of being concerned about his clothes and he turns to face his older brother. He looks into his eyes searchingly. Is this for real? Last time somebody told him that they didn't mind, well Toby ended up betraying his country in the middle of a World War, so like, no big deal or anything. He had been saved by his brother. At the time Freddie said that he had pulled strings to get him out of jail because he couldn't stand the idea of his brother suffering. So… Is this possibly true? Toby has learnt that you should never get your hopes up, but some part of him this time tells him that somehow this could be real.  
  
“How… How long have you known?” Toby suddenly worries. If Freddie has noticed then potentially other people might have clocked them too. For some reason this question makes Freddie laugh.  
  
“Toby. When we were younger and I told you about girls and you never reacted and never asked for any details, I already knew. You are my younger brother and you never asked me a single time for advice about a girl. EVER. It doesn't take a genius.”  
  
“You've known all along and you didn't say anything?!”  
  
“I was waiting for you to come to me! The same way I told you the first time I … went with a girl, I was thinking you would tell me if it ever happened to you.”  
  
“But you didn’t think it would be … the way it is. Did you?”  
  
“Toby… _Please_! I'm in the army. I've seen all sorts. I know the law, but I can guarantee you that when your life is on the line, what makes the value of a man has nothing to do with their... choice of lifestyle."  
  
So basically what Freddie is telling him is that… he's known about Toby being gay before Toby even knew he was gay. That's great. That's fantastic. Now Toby doesn't feel like an idiot AT ALL. Not any more than he did before anyway. This is suddenly a lot of information to process even for an analyst’s brain, so Toby just drops onto the bed and sits there, staring into the void, reevaluating his entire life. Freddie is asking for Toby's forgiveness, for having been so distant that Toby did not confide in him when he got himself a boyfriend. Of all the possible scenarios that Toby had envisioned … This was definitely not one of them.  
  
“So… You're not going to do anything about us? You're okay with it?”  
  
“If I have to be honest with you… I don't blame you. Mr Joshi is extremely handsome.”  
  
Toby feels queasy. Is he really discussing Adil’s looks with Freddie?! This is getting more and more surreal, and Freddie seems to find it absolutely hilarious. Toby rolls his eyes and groans but Freddie sits down next to him and carries on.  
  
“He is! People come down to the lounge bar just to stare at him. His exotic face is an indispensable asset to this establishment. That and his extraordinary cocktails ! I hope he stays with us for a long time to come.” Freddie might be talking in jest but through his laughter Toby can tell he's telling the truth. Freddie has zero intention of firing Adil any time soon. He's just enjoying making Toby uneasy, the way brothers do. Without Toby realising, Freddie has just broken down his barriers and now he feels free to start talking.  
  
“Yes, his face is a masterpiece… But what I prefer are his hands. The way he works, I could watch him for hours. And I do watch him for hours! I bring a book that I pretend to read and I watch him from the corner of my eye, pouring drinks, cutting fruit, washing glasses… Everything he does is so precise. There is such an economy of movement. It takes my breath away. Once I start watching him I just can't stop. I'm hypnotised. After I watch him for a while I feel so calm…it makes me calm. It makes me happy. I know I can ask him to make something for me and he will always find the exact mix to fit my mood. He's a genius. And he has the most beautiful pair of eyebrows I've ever seen on a human being. They make him look so serious… but when he's not working, oh boy. He smiles all the time. His smile kills me. When he smiles my soul leaves my body and then I'm resurrected, and I see his teeth and the way his lips are curling and his eyes disappear and I die again. He always knows what to say to make me feel good. And if I see him being upset for whatever reason, I try all I can to make him forget about it and kiss me instead. That's all I want. I want him to not be upset, and kiss me. We've been through so much already, now I only want him to be safe, and be with me."  
  
And just like that, Toby has bared his soul to his brother. When he turns to look at him, Freddie is looking at him tenderly, the way a mother looks at her first born. No-one has ever looked at Toby like that, he suddenly realises. Not even their own mother. She probably looked at Freddie like that, and looked at Toby like he was afterbirth. But right now, Freddie was giving him Proud Big Brother's Eyes.  
  
"That's all I wanted to hear, Toby. That you're happy and in love. You know, I might have seemed too busy lately, with my job, and the hotel being rebuilt, but I do worry about you. I don't ever want you to think that... that I don’t care about you. Because I do. Very much so."  
  
Toby’s eyes are watering and he has a hard time fighting it. You don’t want to turn up at a dinner party with red eyes. Very un-gentlemanlike. He tries to think of something to say but the tears are silencing him. So his brother keeps talking.  
  
“Look, Toby… I know that you feel you were not given a fair treatment in the family compared to me, but it’s just -… You have to understand that I was always meant to become Lord Hamilton. I don’t mean to sound conceited but it’s not just a title, it’s a full-time job. I have to be Lord Hamilton 24 hours a day, and it’s important that I was groomed into it. You, on the other hand, you got a little bit more freedom, to be yourself…”  
  
Toby almost chokes at this. He has spent his entire childhood locked up in his bedroom from being the sickly child, and neither of their parents ever came to visit him very often. Talk about freedom. He would spend entire afternoons looking outside his window, watching Freddie and his friends playing in the yard while he was stuck in his room with only his books for companions. So now he has to feel “sorry” for Freddie?? Hell no. But before he gets the chance to say anything, his brother carries on.  
  
“You might not realise it now, but I hope one day you do, that your position is actually the better of the two… Would you have liked to be Lord Hamilton? In all honesty?”  
  
This time Toby has to admit that Freddie has a point. Being the centre of attention when you walk into a room is Toby’s definition of hell.  
  
“No, I never wanted what you have, it’s just… I only wanted to be listened to. A little bit more.”  
  
“I listened to you. I know you don’t realise it but I know you, Toby. You are a very curious mind, you always want to know how things work, you always want to learn new things. You love learning to recognise different alphabets and looking at drawings of animals. You love working at night when no-one is disturbing you and listen to classical music while you read your files. You have a sensitive stomach so you don’t eat anything too heavy, no bread or pasta or cakes. Also you hate cow’s milk. That makes you feel sick. So you drink everything black, tea or coffee. You are not a great talker, but the flipside of that is that you are a very good listener. You are able to determine someone’s character in just a few moments. I wish I had this ability. I have to speak to so many people all the time that sometimes it’s hard to make a difference. They all blur into each other. I love the way that you get to choose who you talk to, and you are always right. All the people you told me you didn’t like, they turned out to be dishonest, horrible people. You don’t realise it Toby, but I admire you and I listen to you. I wouldn’t want to be running this hotel if you weren’t by my side.”  
  
The part about the food puts a smile back on Toby’s face. His brother really is paying attention. But the running the hotel with him part is pushing it.  
  
“Thank you for saying that. But I think there is one person in this hotel whose help is much more valuable to you…”  
  
They both laugh. Emma has always been their best friend. When they were children, she would bring Toby some food that she knew he could digest at night when no-one was looking. And she would keep him informed about what was being talked about outside. She had been Toby’s life line. Sometimes they were joined by Freddie, and more than once Toby had fallen asleep with the lights still on, while they were in his room playing and it made him feel safe. As they grew up, Toby noticed the change in the way Freddie was looking at her, and she at him. And even though Freddie has known other girls, none of them held a place as important as Emma in his life.  
  
“Ah, Emma… There wouldn’t be a Hotel Halcyon if it weren’t for her and her dad. When I have to go fly my plane I know that I leave the place in good hands. I feel guilty because I know you guys worry that I might not come back, but I don’t feel guilty about leaving the hotel unattended. Lately I’ve been… I’ve been worrying about who could be my wife and that’s why I behaved like a total jerk to her. I was behaving like Lord Hamilton and not like myself. Because if I have to think like Freddie, then of course there’s no-one else.”  
  
Toby envisions for a minute what it would be like to have Emma as a sister-in-law. Having someone else would make no sense. There’s no point even arguing it. He pictures the four of them, Freddie, Emma, Adil and himself, happy and living together in harmony and children running around playing with dogs. But just as immediately he catches himself : there is no way he and Adil will ever be able to be an official couple. Especially not in front of children. Then as if he was reading his mind, Freddie says :  
  
“Toby, what I came here to ask you is… We’re going to get married with Emma and I want you to be my best man. And living in this half-finished hotel is wearing us down, so we are getting an apartment in town for ourselves, where it hasn’t been bombed, and if that’s okay with you, you can come and live with us. So you can bring home anyone you like. Away from prying eyes. How does that sound to you?”  
  
Oh. My. _God_. Toby’s mind goes into a blank from the shock. Not only is his brother marrying their best friend, but he’s now offering him _his dream life_. The life he’s always wanted but didn’t think he’d ever get. The two of them have been looking out for him when they were kids, and now they keep doing it, even though he’s become a serious offender. He’s committing gross indecency every single day with a dark-skinned lowlife and these two are offering him… a cover-up?! WHY??  
  
“We don’t want to rush you. If you need time you don’t have to say yes right away. But I really want you to be my best man! This is non-negotiable, I need to make this clear, little brother.”  
  
The life he thought was out of reach only moments ago, is now only a word away. He only has to say “yes” and it will become reality. His brother is awaiting his answer. He’s sitting here next to him, beautiful as ever, in his crisp white shirt and perfectly tailored suit. The picture of respectability. Even the voices in Toby’s head that keep telling him no-one truly loves him, are silenced. They’re in shock. They weren’t expecting this turn of events. Apparently there’s at least two people who truly care about him. And there’s nothing the voices can say to that. Toby lets himself tumble forward into his brother’s arms. He has never felt such a rush of affection, and love, and adrenaline at the same time. Except maybe the first time Adil was inside him. That probably took the cake. This, is a different kind of love. Freddie closes his arms around him, and his skin smells good as ever, and Toby feels protected. He and Adil might be criminals according to the laws of this land, but his brother is offering them … his straight white male privilege? Is that how it feels all the time? To be confident and loved and safe? Toby stays quiet for a moment, waiting for his anxiety to surface again and break the current spell, but it remains hidden, so he just says, very softly, his head resting on his brother’s shoulder :  
  
  
  
“There’s nothing I would like more than this.”  
  
He doesn’t know how long they remain locked in their embrace, but when they finally part, Toby catches a glimpse of themselves in the adjacent mirror. So alike, and yet so different. They look good. They look happy. They look confident. They look really gorgeous in their three-piece suits. And it’s almost, almost as if he can suddenly see what it is that Adil sees in him. He is indeed rather cute. Not as dashing as his military-trained brother, but cute in a nerdy and sweet kind of way. So for the first time in his life, Toby is feeling himself. Just to make sure he’s not dreaming, he stands up and gets closer to the mirror, checking himself out. He hasn’t put Brylcreem on his hair yet, so his bangs are nonchalantly falling over his forehead. It makes him look kind of cheeky. He decides to leave them as is. He doesn’t like his hair sleeked back anyway. Suddenly it comes back to him :  
  
"So you guys are getting married! For real! I'm so happy you have no idea!!" he says grabbing his brother's hands. He doesn't even know if he's happier about their getting married, or their offer to hide him and Adil in their house.  
  
"I can't believe it's finally happening! I've never been so excited!!" Indeed, Toby has never seen his brother as elated as he is right now.  
  
"Not even when you flew your plane the first time?" Toby asks in jest.  
  
"When you fly a plane, you get hours of training on the ground beforehand... You don't get that with a woman."  
  
"Come on, you've known her all your life! You've had years of training!"  
  
"I did, but not like that! I've learnt many things as a child with her, but not how to... love her."  
  
"I know you've been with other girls. You're more prepared than you let on."  
  
"Each girl is different."  
  
"At least you guys know that you are friends."  
  
"Yes, I know that at least I have that. We're doing things backwards. I know she likes me as a friend but I don't know if she'll like me as a husband! I'm showing her sides of me that she has never seen... and I hope that she can live with them."  
  
Toby wonders what 'sides' of Freddie can be supposedly so horrible. From where he stands, apart from a little too much submission to their dad when he was still alive, there really is nothing unlikable about his brother. He's even accepting of him, and that alone makes him untouchable.  
  
"I'm sure there's sides of her that you're glad you're getting to see..." Toby says in the hope of making Freddie laugh. He doesn't. He just smiles mysteriously.  
  
"It's even better than I imagined. Every time you know what to expect, but every time it's a surprise... When they... they have this way of... It's when they undo their hair." Freddie mimes taking bobby pins out of his hair. "That's when you know. They let their hair down like that..." He mimes shaking his hair out. "And then they do this thing.... with their hair" He mimes suddenly flipping his imaginary long hair to one side. “That's when you _know_. I mean, I don't know if you know, but _you know_. I don't know what you guys do to... I don't know how you guys know... who does... Sorry, I don't know." Freddie trails off.  
  
Toby is a little confused, but then he tries to picture himself with Adil, and... That's when it hits him. Even though his hair is obviously much shorter than a woman's, _he does the hair thing too_. He's always done it without even realising. He feels his cheeks reddening at the thought. Maybe it's the height difference and he has to cock his head to one side if he wants to kiss Adil. But even if Adil was taller, he'd still be doing this mysterious head tilt thing. It seems natural. It's how you make the other _know_. So even though he and his brother have differing tastes, _they still feel the same_. He catches himself in the mirror again, and thinks of all the times he has seen his frame entwined in Adil’s in it, and how it made him feel complete, and now he saw himself next to his brother and it didn’t feel awkward anymore. Now they were ready to face the world.  
  
As they are coming down the main staircase down to the lobby, Toby has a spring in his step that he never really experienced before, and he feels a couple of inches taller than usual. He also feels like smiling to everyone they see. Suddenly people who always looked confident and happy don’t look so alien to him. People like Freddie.  
  
“I always knew you’d be the one flipping your hair.” Freddie whispers to him, interrupting his train of thought.  
  
“Pardon??”  
  
“People were saying that it would only be fitting that the shorter of the two would do it, but knowing you, and knowing him a little, I knew you’d rather flip your hair.”  
  
This doesn’t make sense to Toby right away, and he has to pause and repeat the sentence to himself several times, before the penny drops. He stops right in his tracks, a couple of steps above the ground. He almost shouts, but then composes himself and whispers back at his brother :  
  
“YOU WHAT???!!! You have discussed me and Adil with other people???!!” Now all cheerfulness has vanished and he feels sick to his stomach again. The familiar sensation of being used and abused comes back to him, as if it had never left. Freddie reaches the bottom of the stairs, and turns around to him with a smile.  
  
“Come on, Toby. Everyone has discussed you and Adil in this hotel. There’s nothing that can remain a secret for very long in this establishment. Now come on, our guests have all arrived and they’re waiting for us to start eating.”  
  
“What do you mean ‘Everyone’??”  
  
“Everyone who works here.”  
  
“…They all know about this??!” Drops of sweat start pooling over Toby’s brow. The more people know, the more risks they’re running of getting handed to the police. Is this going to be like the D’Abberville situation all over again? Toby is dreading the thought of facing interrogation again. On the other hand, Freddie seems unexplicably calm about everything. He even extends his hand out to Toby, to encourage him to come down the stairs. Toby does come down, but refuses the hand. He walks towards the dining room alongside his brother, but he’s not looking at him. He is fuming.  
  
“So that’s what this is to you. A topic of discussion like any other. A joke?”  
  
“More like a betting game.” Freddie says coolly. Toby almost passes out from rage. But they still have to keep their voices low, as they are nearing the busiest place in the hotel. Some employees are coming and going around them, politely bowing their heads as they pass, in a respectful salutation. Toby wonders how many of them know. Probably all of them. They all know his darkest secret, and he doesn’t even know the names of half of them. While he is making himself sick with worry, they are all betting on who is topping and bottoming between the two of them, as if it was some kind of pleasantry. Toby feels so let down that he is about to cry. The feeling of being connected and at one with his brother didn’t last for very long.  
  
“You don’t even realise, do you. You don’t know what it’s like to be careful about every single thing you do. About the way your eyes are looking. About the expression on your face. About every single move in your muscles, afraid that one too many hair tucks or head tilts is going to give you away. You don’t know what it’s like to watch yourself from crossing your legs a certain way, or keeping yourself from certain postures at every single moment. You don’t have to worry about the way you walk when you have nothing to hide. You don’t have to keep yourself from smiling when you see that special person. You don’t know anything, Lord Hamilton.”  
  
“Woah there. Please calm down. None of us meant any harm to you or Adil. I was only referring to the conversations that the girls or your friends are having.”  
  
“The girls? Emma and Betsey?”  
  
“Yes. And your friends, who work at the bar with Adil? And in the music band.”  
  
Toby winces at the notion that Freddie thinks the musicians and the bartenders are his ‘friends’. But come to think of it, lately they have been the only people he has actual conversations with, when he is hanging around at the bar late at night, pretending to be there for drinks when really he is there to feast his eyes on the Head Barman. Clearly he hasn’t been as conspicuous as he had thought. Conversation with people of his station, noblemen and aristocrats, Toby hates with a passion. They are all so full of themselves, and he can’t stand any of their preferred subjects of consideration : money, politics/war, and women’s attributes, especially in relation to their social status. The Top Three things that Toby hates the most in the world. And he is about to spend an entire evening having to entertain those people again, in the turbulent mood that his brother has put him in. Okay, maybe Freddie is right and the people working at the bar are his friends after all. He is so used to thinking that numbers are his only friends. Numbers are nice. Numbers are peaceful. Numbers are harmless, opinion-less, gender-less non-entities. Sometimes Toby wishes he was a number. People would ask him questions, in the form of equations, but he wouldn’t have to feel a thing. He would only have to give out answers automatically, a completely objective data-processing machine. That would be the dream. Instead he has to face humans and their stupid laws and rules. He hates being a human. Okay, he hates being an ill-functioning human. Maybe there has been a glitch in making him. When his brother was duplicated in the womb, entire swathes of data have been lost. It doesn’t seem to register with Freddie.  
  
“I don’t think you realise the amount of stress that we experience. When you were in my room earlier, and you asked me to live with you, I thought that you could understand, but I was wrong. It was all a game so you and everyone working here could keep an eye on how me and Adil were doing. So you could keep winning your bets. Is this all I am to you?” They are really close to entering the dining room now, so it takes Toby all his strength to keep from crying.  
  
“Yes, I think you’re right. I’ll never know what it feels like to be… like you. I am perfectly aware that people like you and Adil have the most difficult time navigating society, but I don’t think you have to take things so at heart. When we talk about you, we only mean to—”  
  
“I FORBID YOU TO TELL ME HOW TO FEEL.” Toby is still whispering, even though he is filled with red-hot anger. “I FORBID YOU TO TELL ME HOW I’M SUPPOSED TO REACT TO PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT MY LIFE BEHIND MY BACK. You’re not in constant danger of being arrested, you’re not in a constant state of alarm. You’ll never know what it’s like to have to walk in our shoes. You’ll never know what it’s like to be me. It’s very gracious of you to ask me to come and live in your house, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to decline. I’m sorry.”  
  
“Toby. _I am you._ ” Freddie says calmly. Just like that, he dismisses the last part of Toby’s speech, where he says he’s not coming to live with them. It takes Toby by surprise. “I agree that there’s things that I’ll never experience first hand, but it doesn’t mean I don’t sympathize. I am not a Jew, but I still flew my plane over to France to fight those horrible Nazis. And from what I’ve heard, they’ve also rounded up people of your kind together with the Jews. My job is to fight the Nazis, wherever they may be. On a battlefield in Europe, or in my own house threatening my own family. Mother and Father have clearly failed on that part, but I promise you…” Freddie wraps his arm around Toby’s shoulders. “…I will never let anyone else hurt you or your special person ever again. I am Lord Hamilton now, and you can have my word on this.” The sincerity of his pledge takes Toby aback. There’s nothing he can answer to this. They walk together slowly towards the dining room.  
  
“I’m sorry if I made you panic earlier. What I need you to know, is that if you feel lost or that you have no-one to turn to, that is not true. I am always here for you. I said it before and I’ll say it again, the last thing I want is for you to get hurt. In any way, shape or form. You may feel that until now, our family has failed you on this, but from now on, we are going to do everything we can to make you feel safe.”  
  
“But Mother…?”  
  
“Don’t worry about Mother. I’ll take care of this.”  
  
Toby doesn’t know what Freddie means by that, but the weight of his arm around his neck is reassuring. As they are about to go through the door, someone comes through it the opposite way. It’s Adil. He is expertly balancing two trays on his arm, covered in empty glasses that seem on the verge of collapsing at any moment, but he is making it work. He holds his other hand tucked behind his back. He looks so professional and elegant. Not a hair out of place as per usual. He is really beautiful against the dim light. He steps aside slightly to let the brothers walk through, and as they pass one another, they exchange knowing looks, Toby looking intently at Adil to let him know that he is okay, even though Adil can’t really withstand his gaze for too long in public, but he gets the message. He only mutters “My Lord” out of obligation when Freddie looks at him, which makes Freddie smile. Then he disappears down the hall towards the kitchen.  
  
The dining room is full to the brim with the finest gentry of the British capital. The ones that have remained, and the ones that have come back after the Blitz ended. The hotel is still not completely rebuilt, but it is mostly functional again and the evening is supposed to celebrate this return to a sense of normalcy. The most prestigious names and family trees are present around those tables that night, and for the first time in his life, when Toby Hamilton enters the room, he doesn’t feel a daunting sense of dread or impending doom like he usually does. He sees these people in a different light. He sees that they are all in this together. They all have problems in their lives that they are scrambling to solve. Tonight they are all gathered to celebrate that one of them, Lord Hamilton, has found himself back on his feet after the death of his father and the destruction of his palace. They are there to support each other. As soon as they step foot in the door, a group of young gentlemen of their age come up to them and start chatting. Some of their faces are familiar to Toby, even though he is unsure of their names or titles. One of them, by way of introduction, puts his hand on Toby’s arm and asks him where he got his jacket made. The conversation starts flowing, and the gentleman invites Toby to come to his Club that very same week. He says Toby would surely like it there. Being social has never been Toby’s forte, but the way the gentleman says that he would introduce him to “like-minded souls” who engage in more “free-spirited” conversations piques Toby’s interest, so he says yes. As the night carries on, Toby engages in more conversation than he probably ever has in his lifetime. For once he doesn’t feel like being interrogated while he talks. He answers casually to whatever question is being asked, and Freddie does that thing that Toby likes, which is to ask him about the more mathematical side of things whenever numbers are being discussed, as this is his area of expertise, and it makes him sound very clever and people are very impressed. All in all, the night is a resounding success. Adil comes by Toby’s table several times as he is accustomed to, half to clear or refill empty glasses, and half to check up on Toby, waiting for his signal to leave the place. But that night, Toby manages to stay until the end. And he doesn’t even go through a breakdown. He says his goodbyes to every guest, and he goes up to his room feeling happy and contented. After a little while, when the hotel goes quiet and the place is falling asleep, he hears a faint knock on his door. He knows it to be Adil, and he lets him in. He looks as pristine as ever despite being at the end of a very long shift. They kiss passionately, but before collapsing into bed, Toby discusses with him the idea that Freddie has submitted to them. Adil agrees that he will move in with them under pretence of being his butler, and for the first time in his life, Toby is not worried about his place in the world and his future.  
  



End file.
